Work to do
A friend of mine at work that I respect greatly, talks frequently about what her “spiritual work” is. I don’t know that I’m at a point in my life where I necessarily think I’m doing spiritual work, more of self work. Anyway…here is the entire sequence of insanity that happened in my head today.
I was thinking about how complicated I make my life, and probably unnecessarily so. I was watching the movie “Into the Wild”, *spoiler alert* which is essentially the story of a kid who goes to Alaska to be alone and escape from his jacked up family. What he learns spending 9 weeks in an abandoned school bus in the wilderness, which he names “The Magic Bus”, is that of happiness. He’s reading a book about happiness and shortly before the end of the movie he writes “happiness is only real when shared”. Now our young friend in the movie is wishing he realized this about 9 weeks ago. I think I learned this lesson early on in life. But, I digress…
The point of this little adventure is that I am unapologetic about being happy in my life right now. Do I wish some things were different (mainly things about myself that I need to work on)? Yes I do wish some things were different….BUT I am happier than I have probably been since childhood. I believe that I feel this sense of happiness because I know who I am, what I think, and who I love. In thinking about this though, I started to think about people who have known me in various stages of my life, and how they would scarcely recognize (or probably like) this human being I’ve become now. Then this made me think of Facebook. I thought about the insane number of “friends” I have on Facebook. It’s really crazy. Part of it is the small church I grew up in, small college I went to and how everyone knows everyone, blah, blah, blah. I decided I was going to go through and remove my connection to people I hadn’t talked to on Facebook since I’ve joined. Not because I don’t like them, or don’t wish them well, but seriously, I probably don’t want to know every status update, mafia war request, or such that they have, and they don’t want to know the numerous highs I’m reaching in Farkle. Fair enough. Then my loving M sits down on the couch next to me and I share what I’m doing. He asks me if those people will know I removed my connection to them. I say confidently “well no”. We start discussing this more in depth and then I begin to freak out. Someone clicks on their most recent news feed and sees “Katherine Bice unfriends 100 people and you”. Yikes.
Yes I do realize the irony of freaking out over what these people might think of me, when the whole point of this exercise was to try to work on caring less what people think about me.
I have so many people in my life who are absolutely themselves in the most authentic, loving, and creative ways and I love that about them. For me, I have always placed the expectations of so many on my shoulders, and have probably struggled for quite a while with my own self esteem, that I obsess too often about what “they” will think.
Right now, that is my work. I love my life. I live with the most amazing human being and I adore him. I’m not married. I don’t have a baby. Are those things I want? Yes. But I am also incredibly committed to having the best relationship with my partner and for those things to be a good decision for him, and for me and if he’s not ready right now I will wait. So stop asking…I don’t know when. I know that I love him, he loves me, and right now we’re working on our relationship, our health and being better human beings. I will not feel bad that our choice and our path is not the same as others, because it is after all…our path. So my work is to stay on my path, focusing on who I am becoming, what I want and I can’t control how other people respond to that.
Turns out this works
So I’ve also been meditating nightly before bed in order to set intentions for my day and to learn to not get so completely caught up in all the chaos, drama, and stress that is child welfare. I’ve done that two nights in a row and it’s actually working. In fact it’s working so well that people at work are wondering what is wrong with me. That’s a good sign. I am passionate about what I do. I’m passionate about helping kids and families but I’m also not willing to sacrifice myself, who I am, my body, my health, and my life to do so. I am no good to anyone if I’m not good to myself. So here’s the meditation I’ve been using from one of the Buddhist meditation books I have:
May I have lovingkindness
May I be well
May I have peace and ease
May I be happy
Namaste.
Well what do you know?
I actually saw an episode of “Good Eats” tonight that was informative and didn’t annoy the hell out of me. Nicely played Alton Brown, nicely played. We’ll see if you can keep it up.
Taking stock
Probably like many people I know, I am spending this New Year taking stock of the past year and dreaming dreams for the next year. It’s an interesting phenomenon that ever since moving in with my partner, life has been quite a bit easier than it used to be when I was living on my own. Part of that is financial reasons, because it feels less stressful to have someone to share the load with, but part of that is simply the comfort of having someone to run to the store for you, or throw in a load of laundry, or the 100 other little things that make a big difference when you don’t have to do it all on your own. The point of this is that sometime in the past 6 months I seem to have gotten the impression that it’s okay for me to be a little bit….um…..lazy.
I certainly had my moments of laziness when I was single and living on my own, but this is different. This has gotten me to the point of being so comfortable in my relationship that my partner and I have forgotten the intense desire that we both had at the beginning of our relationship to push each other to make positive changes in our lives. Now I think I’ve gotten so used to the feeling of comfort, that the slightest feeling of discomfort, and I have forgotten how to sit with that, look at it, and use it as power to move forward.
Like many, I am starting this New Year with plans and dreams, and things I would like to accomplish for myself and my life. I am trying to approach all that much differently than normal. I have made my health goal actually doable. I am going to drink all my water (8, 8 oz. glasses, or 2 fillings of my Jayhawk water bottle) and to do either treadmill or Wii fit for 15 minutes 5 days a week. I know that for many of you health nuts, this is nothing, but for me, this is something that is actually achievable. I am hoping that picking something that I can actually achieve will help me feel better about myself and thus having motivation to do even more.
The other tasks that I’m working on for this New Year do not seem so doable. But, I am trying to do the same thing as with a health goal, find some way to make them achievable. But I am also trying to push myself just a bit and realize that discomfort and hard work (personal hard work) used to just be part of the game and were part of the qualities I admired so much about myself.
So, to myself….we’re back at it. We’re back to being mindful about the choices we make, the words we say, and how we behave in our relationships. I am also back to giving myself credit for the work I have done, for the small achievements, and to making myself in to the best self I can be. My relationship deserves that and I deserve that.
Happiness is…
Okay, I realized that I’ve been doing a lot of complaining on here lately. This morning as I was walking Guinness (our 1 year old Retriever) along the trail around a lake, at a local park, I was thinking about gratitude. I used to be very good about being grateful for things….or at least putting them out there in the universe. But life gets busy and you get over taken by other things. So here are some things I am very grateful for and what happiness is to me. ( I’m also going to choose not to judge myself for some of the things that make me happy)
Happiness is…
Our animals.
To stop dieting and start simply living healthy.
Quitting bad habits.
Unemployment….getting a check while getting to overhaul your life.
Great friends, old and new.
A wonderful, loving family.
Spark people (if you don’t know about spark people….it rocks!!)
My spark people ladies.
Top Chef
Project Runway
Water Aerobics
Coffee
Farmers market
Lost (thank you Michael and Michelle)
My baby nephews who have grown up to be amazing young men
Hope
The Future
Football season
Possibilities
Letting go of the expectations of those around me (perceived or real)
Being a recovering pleaser
My bff’s who have seen and continue to see me through it all and vice versa (love ya Michelle and Colleen)
and for finding the love of my life who continually loves me, supports me, pushes me to be better to myself and a better me, who makes amazing meals, makes me laugh, makes me cry, and makes me want to make a cheesy e-harmony commercial. I love you Michael, I love our life and I look forward to what the future holds for us.
Writer’s block, procrastination, and restlessness
So what I should be doing right now is finishing my personal statement for my application to graduate school. Graduate school you say? Why, I thought you had a graduate degree. Oh, I do, but it turns out the graduate degree I have does me ZERO good in the fine state of Missouri because marriage and family therapists can’t be reimbursed by medicaid. Guess who pays for most of the services provided by therapists in agencies? Correct, Medicaid. So if I can’t be reimbursed, in turn, absolutely no one wants to hire me as a therapist. So the only way for me to do what I love here is to go ahead and get a masters in social work. Ideal, no, but it’s the best option on the table. So as with the first Master’s degree I got, I have to write a personal statement stating why I want to pursue this particular discipline and how life changing it will be for me. Guess what, when you are going to pursue a graduate degree that is nearly exactly the same as the graduate degree you have, you really could give a rip about writing this and don’t particularly believe it will be life changing in the least. But, I need to jump through hoops so I will jump.
As most of you also know, I’m also currently not working. After getting in to a routine for my day, I was really enjoying my life of leisure….but now I’m over it. I did need the time off to decompress from my last job, to get my head on straight, to adjust to life in a new place with a new person, and to make some much needed healthy lifestyle changes. But now that I’m sort of in a groove with all that….. I NEED TO WORK!!! I’m entirely too social to have my one people interaction outside of Mike (I love you honey) to be a bunch of older ladies at the water aerobics class. I also feel like my brain is going to mush. I’ve forgotten how to think about things other than what I will fix for dinner and what we’ll watch on TV tonight. You know I probably could do some professional reading like rereading all those textbooks from grad school that I told myself I would do when I had some time….but when you don’t have anything to apply it to, it turns out that reading isn’t all that enjoyable.
Really the bottom line is that I’m just restless. I did the relaxation thing, now I’m ready for what’s next. My friend Jane talks alot about being an enneagram 7 and having the ability to reinvent yourself based on whatever circumstance life throws out you. Well I’m ready for life to throw me the next challenge. I’m hoping that part of the restlessness can be calmed by getting back in to a meditation routine. I want to be more calm, more patient, and a better partner and friend and while my life seems the least stressful it’s ever been, my mind is busy making mountains out of mole hills. My hope was that this nervous energy that’s been following me around the past few days would somehow be calmed through this attempt to emotionally vomit on the page. Here’s to hoping. Bring on the Ommmmmm!!!!!
The first view from Tiger Land
I don’t know why it’s taking me so stinking long to post my first blog post since moving to Columbia. I’m unemployed, what the heck else do I have to do? Turns out I keep most days pretty filled. Some of that my own doing, some as part of my non-working contribution to my relationship with the amazing Michael.
So I’ve joined the ARC (Activity and Recreation Center). It’s your general community center, state of the art, work out type of place. It looks pretty new and it’s just a nice place to go for one who hates to work out. I’ve been doing water aerobics pretty much every morning at 9. I’ve acquainted myself with several ladies of the over 65 variety and they are a hoot. One lady, Sandy, and I exchange stories about our animals. Another lady gives me recipes to make for my boyfriend all the time (little does she know, I’m not the one who cooks), and people have been very friendly there and tried to welcome me to town.
Generally I leave water aerobics and either do errands (go to the store to pick up odds and ends) or I come home and begin my daily cleaning ritual. I can tell you that our house will never be as clean as it is right now. Once I go back to work I’m not sure my motivation will be quite as high.
I’ve also been doing some of those household duties of having people come to the house for various things. We are getting estimates right now to re-do our deck and front porch and I had someone out last week to mow our vast yard as a birthday present to Michael.
I also have been making Michael’s lunch everyday and making coffee the night before, I’m just generally a little home maker. Oh and this week the new thing has been getting used to our new puppy/dog we got from the humane society. I’ve been reading up on dog training and trying to teach him the basics and helping him learn to navigate the culture of the other animals (who are old and laid back, not crazy and wanting to play all the time like Guinness).
I also bought stuff to learn how to scrapbook. I absolutely LOVE doing stuff like that but never have thought I was very good at it. Well now’s the time to take some time to learn something new and get comfortable with some new sides of myself.
The first week of unemployment I was SO bored. But now that I’ve found lots of ways to fill my time, I’m not so sure I want to go back to work. I kind of dig this life of getting to do some different things and take life at a new pace. The first part of my move has been focused on bettering myself. I’m working out at least 5 days a week, I’ve quit a bad habit, and Michael and I are trying to be more conscious about what we eat. I’m hopeful that feeling better in health and just about myself in general will continue to make the transition easier.
There have been bumps along the way. I still don’t have a “friend” here yet. But thanks to my BFF’s back in KC and the power of FaceBook, I still feel pretty connected with people. There are also just the regular bumps of figuring out how to live with someone you’ve never lived with before.
I do feel incredibly lucky because Michael has been incredibly sweet and supportive as usual and that has made all the difference. Of course I am trying to commit to posting on a more regular basis, which without a job should be easier to do.
So stay tuned for what life has in store for me in this foreign land. 
Things I used to do….
I was thinking about this laying in bed last night. I realized that before I worked in child welfare, there were lots of things I used to do.
1. I used to watch the news. I can’t do that anymore. I see to much of the news in my work. Oh and I’m also deathly afraid that I’m going to see a client, or one of my staff’s clients dead, or in jail from abusing their child.
2. I used to be an advocate. I have lots of issues that I’m passionate about, just ask anyone, I have an opinion on nearly everything. Before I worked in child welfare I actually used to act on those passions. Now I feel like I’ve done my civic duty putting in 8 to 12 hour days at work.
3. I used to go to church. Now this isn’t entirely the doing of child welfare, but it is a part of it. I’ve always been on the liberal end of Christian but now…forget about it. It’s not that I don’t still consider myself a spiritual person, but the corporate church spends oodles of time talking about helping people, making plans, making programs, and people who work in child welfare are actually out their doing it. Now I’m not saying I’m some kind of pious superhero…far from it. But the whole thing that Jesus was about at the heart of it was social justice and helping those who are marginalized. The rest of it has been thousands of years of our translations, needs and desires put upon the church as a whole and guess what…we gave in.
4. I used to not get such sheer joy out of mindless TV. I used to watch PBS, watch documentaries, read books that weren’t complete fluff. Now, I love nothing more in life then coming home and engaging in some Top Chef or Grey’s Anatomy. It’s escapism, I know it. And I’m aware that there are FAR more healthy and productive ways to spend my time. That’s part of the reason I write, to be cognicent of what my issues are in hopes it inspires me to make a different choice.
This is why I’m hoping to have a little break from child welfare when I move. I love what I do, I know it makes a difference, but you can never sufficiently explain to someone the hard, thankless, job that you do everyday and the toll it takes on you and those around you. While I complain about it, I can honestly say I’ve never been more honored to do anything in all my life.
What the what??
Okay, so I’m minding my own business, taking a nap on the couch, after I fell asleep during the stupid Mizzou basketball game, (Love you honey!!) and I had missed a text message on my phone. I open it to find a message from my friend C. who is getting married this summer. She tells me that…wait for it…Cargo Largo has wedding dresses! What the what? For those of you not in our fair town, Cargo Largo is this store of randomness, close out stuff, where you never know what you’re going to find. It is also not a store where if you are a sucker for pretty packaging, you will like. A friend of mine once said she feels like she needs a tetanus shot when she comes out of there. While I don’t think it’s that bad, I must say I am quite shocked that they have wedding dresses.
Now my sweet boy, no need to panic, this is not some passive aggressive comment about us not getting married yet. I’ll just say that directly to you. ; ) I’m just absolutely shocked that they have wedding dresses. Part of me is tempted to go over tomorrow before work and look at them. Who knows they may be a price where I could use my mom’s phrase “that’s a bargain if you never use it”.
Let me also add that with a Jayhawk loss this afternoon to Baylor (ouch) I am officially over this week.
